Cider House Rules

Cohabitation Collection – Cider House Rules

Details: Stiletto owned. Stache had not seen.

Stiletto’s Take & Rating:

I saw this movie in the theaters in 1999. In Cider House Rules, an orphanage-raised young man in the 1940’s blossoms in the world exploring love, adulthood and beyond.  Toby Maguire was somewhat of a newcomer to our screens and played the perfect naive young man. In my opinion, his character never fully crosses over to the adulthood he is supposed to achieve… particularly appearing across from the amazingly womanly Charlize Theron.

The strange underlying story of the apple farmers, Delroy Lindo and Erkyah Badu, is enticing, but seemingly out of place in this story line. And Toby Maguire seems really out of place within that story line.

I love this movie, truly. I love the classic setting of New England.   I love the creepy twists of relationships throughout the movie. I love Paul Rudd’s sexiness. It’s a tender, tear-jerking movie, to not watch with your dad. Bring the tissue.

Stiletto’s Take: 4-inch heels ****

Stache’s Take & Rating:

Oh, just a lovely night at home WATCHING A MOVIE ABOUT ABORTION. The only thing worse than the topic was having to watch Toby Maguire become ‘a man’. Michael Cain was watchable as a drug-huffing-doctor. And I do love me Badu. But that was about it. It’s like Ann of Green Gables with an edge. Which still kind of sucks.

Stache’s Take: Ironic Barber Shop Quartet Stache *

Average Guy/Girl Rating: **1/2

The Cell

The Cell

Cohabitation Collection – The Cell

Details: Stache owned. Both had seen.

Stache’s Take & Rating: 

The first time I saw The Cell I was thinking “Damn, it’s like a full length movie of REM’s ‘Losing My Religion’ video.” And then I learned that Tarsem Singh was the director of them both, so… that makes a hell of a lot of sense now doesn’t it. This was a cinematic breath of fresh air when it came out. There were a lot of ‘psychological thrillers’ that had come out back in the mid-to-late nineties. Most seemingly always featuring some combination of Ashley Judd or Richard Gere. But what The Cell brought in was a sense of visual panache. A look unlike any of the other flicks out.

The story is great, the visuals are incredible, Vince Vaughn is great, Vincent D’Onofrio is even better, and Jennifer Lopez is actually tolerable. And what really surprised me about The Cell this time around was how well the visuals played out. There were a couple CGI effects that looked pretty rudimentary compared to todays standards, but there was enough in-camera tricks and set-design that held it together. The horse-slicing scene still blows me away every time.

Stache’s Take: Dave Wanndstedt Stache***

Stiletto’s Take & Rating:

The Cell is awesome. There, I’ve said it. Great 90’s movie. I was completely taken by the imagery in the movie all over again and I’ve seen it several times.

While Jennifer Lopez is a little hokey overall as an actress, I still have typically enjoyed most movies she is in. This is by far the best.

Vince…. oh, young Vince Vaughn. Let me count the ways. Need I say more?

I had a great time watching The Cell this time around while reading the back story of the various scenes, the art pieces portrayed, inspiration etc. The Cell definitely is interesting on the eyes if nothing else. Seems like each time I’ve watched this movie, I’ve noticed something different.

Can’t wait to watch The Cell again… in like 5 years.

Stiletto’s Take: 4-inch heels *****

Average Guy/Girl Rating: ***1/2

“C-Movie Quick Fire” Review

Our Cohabitation Collection quickly began to stack up on us, so we decided to do a “C-Movie Quick Fire” post.  The movies, all Comedies, were Cabin Boy, Cable Guy, and Caddyshack. Like to hear  it? Here it go!

Cabin Boy

Stache’s Take & Rating: 

You either love Chris Elliott, or you can’t stand him. I’m grateful that I get him, and he infinitely amuses me. Late Night with David Letterman helped establish his comedic voice, but it was really Get A Life, the sadly short-lived sit-com in the early-90’s, that created the full persona of Chris Elliott. His character is typically ignorant, naive, but ultimately lovable. And that is who his character Nathanial Mayweather is in Cabin Boy. This fancy lad endears himself not only to the scurvy crew of the “Filthy Whore” but to us as well.

Completely ridiculous plot? Hilariously bad sets? All true. But we get some awesome characters from James Gammon, Brian Doyle-Murphy and Andy Richter. Solid cameos from Ricki Lake and David Letterman round out this campy gem.

Anyway, I tend to think those who appreciate Chris Elliott have a higher comedic IQ.
***

Stiletto’s Take & Rating:

Chris Elliott movies are terrible. Not funny, stupid cheesy, no excuse for making them ever, terrible. *

Cable Guy

Stiletto’s Take & Rating:

Cable Guy is classic college flick, hilarious, quote-worthy movie. Love every minute of it. Gets funnier every time I watch it. *****

Stache’s Take & Rating: 

I have to be honest. The novelty of Jim Carrey has definitely worn thin for me over the years. Ace Ventura and Dumb & Dumber are both classics. But a lot of the following films just started feeling repetitive. And the more dramatic bent pieces usually felt self-indulgent to me, outside of Truman Show (still mildly self-indulgent) and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (solid flick). So when Cable Guy popped up I wasn’t exactly thrilled about having to sit through it.

However, this actually held up pretty well. I was pleasantly surprised to really enjoy it. And while we still get some of the now-cliche Jim Carrey elements, we got him being the foil instead of the reluctant (or incompetent) hero. And Matthew Broderick plays the straight man like no other can, so it’s a good duo. I still think I’d have enjoyed it even more if I was a high school junior, half-drunk off Icehouse. At least if I remember correctly from the first time I saw it….
***

Caddyshack

Stiletto’s Take & Rating:

I’m certain this movie used to be funny, I just know it. But it just wasn’t. Sorry Bill Murray. *

Stache’s Take & Rating: 

Chevy Chase. Bill Murray. Rodney Dangerfield. All in their prime.
That’s pretty much all I need to say. *****

Boogie Nights

Cohabitation Collection – Boogie Nights

Details: Stiletto owned, both had seen

Stiletto’s Review:

I  heart this movie so much. From the first time I saw it, to now, it almost gets better each time.

Boogie Nights shows the rise and fall of the adult movie industry through Mark Wahlberg’s career and his colorful colleagues. And they are some great colleagues too…. Heather Graham, Julianne Moore, Burt Reynolds, John C. Reilly, William H. Macy…. just to scratch the surface.  The cast’s interactions together are gold. Too young, too rich, too stupid, too dependent, too well-endowed….

Also to note, an amazing soundtrack. And extremely well-timed soundtrack.  This one and Almost Famous? Great stuff.

If you haven’t seen this movie, watch it. If you have seen this movie, watch it again.

Stiletto Rating: ***** 5-inch heels… maybe even roller skates??

Stache’s Review:

The right cast. The right director. I think this combination could’ve succeeded with really any script or setting. It just so happens this is about the LA valley porn scene in the 70’s.

A huge cast comes in and out of this story, and Paul Thomas Anderson directs them magnificently. Size does not matter for the roles in Boogie Nights. Everyone has a backstory, and that adds loads of richness to the film.

Basketball Diaries and Fear had already established Marky Mark as a legitimate actor, but Boogie Nights displayed his immense talent. He manages to both embody the epitome of sex depicted in the film, but also completely demystifies it. This isn’t a movie about sex, but rather about the people’s lives outside of that job they fill.

John C. Reilly, Don Cheadle, Heather Graham, William H. Macy, Julianne Moore, Luis Guzman, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Thomas Jane… that’s quite the gang that gets in on the action. But nobody stands apart more than Burt Ryenolds, the porn patriarch. No moment stands out more than when he’s in the back of the limo ‘MC-ing’ some video action with Rollergirl and a random off the street. As things go wrong we see his character, Jack Horner, realizing on camera how the entire industry is heading south.

And ultimately that’s what this film is about. The rise and fall of the characters and the industry. The highs extremely high. The lows, cringe-worthy. The film holds up, and has actually aged better. We know some of these actors even more now than we did then. And they still shine like a star. A star. A star. A big, bright shining star.

Stache’s Rating: ***** Sam Elliott Stache (or a rock solid John Holmes stache)

Average Guy/Girl Rating: *****

Blazing Saddles

Cohabitation Collection – Blazing Saddles

Details: Stache owned. Both had seen.

Stiletto’s Review:

I had seen this movie a couple times, can’t even remember when… high school maybe.  This over-the-top, inappropriate 1974 Western spoof is pretty timeless.

The premise of the movie is a black man is chosen as a ploy to be a sheriff and ruin a Western town. The characters are great… Bart the Sheriff is hilarious. He plays the part perfectly. Gene Wilder is a totally believable town drunk and crazy friend to Bart.

Watching this movie really reminds you how crazy and narrow-minded racism is.  The townspeople are depicted completely shallow and asinine really driving home the ignorance message.

If you’re looking for a classic (and a little crass) comedy, Blazing Saddles is it!

Stiletto’s Take: Old Gringo cowboy boots ****

Stache’s Review:

I don’t have a top 5 movies of all time, that’s just too crazy difficult to compile. But, I do have a top 5 Western movies of all time. And this is firmly in that list. I also have a top 5 Comedies of all time. And this lands in there as well.

So needless to say, I love this movie.

As far as I’m concerned, this is Mel Brook’s finest film. He just nails every aspect. The casting is spot on. Cleavon Little, Gene Wilder, Slim Pickens, Harvey Korman…. The dialogue is right on. And all the turns are perfect. (The direct lines to camera, breaking the third wall at the end of the movie.)

There are so many funny lines, that every time I watch it’s almost as if I’m surprised it’s that funny. I shouldn’t have been surprised that Stiletto laughed just as much as I did, but it was cute to see her enjoy the movie all over again.

The only bad, or sad, thing about this movie is that Cleavon Little never followed up what he did in this movie. A handful of B-movies and TV show appearances and that’s it. This is a topic I need to do more research into. What prevented him from attaining even higher stardom?

If I have any suggestion for you, movie-wise at least, it’s watch this again soon.

Stache’s Take: (appropriately) Sam Elliott Stache *****

Average Guy/Girl Rating: ****1/2

Blair Witch Project

Cohabitation Collection – Blair Witch Project

Details: Stache owned. Both had seen.

Stiletto’s Review:

I saw this movie in the movie theater in 1999. It was pretty awful then. It’s still holds up as awful now.  The acting is terrible… and I read that some of the scared reactions were real from the cast, which means they are just generally over-amplified, drama queens.

I really like the idea of this horror movie. Film students try to track down info on an urban legend, get lost, and then become part of the myth. Low budget, shot in 8 days. But the characters come off as lame, emo kids and the storyline comes off hokey.  I mean, the film students wake up scared to death of some rock piles and sticks….

Lame in 1999. Lame in 2012.

Stiletto’s Take: Sad, emo combat boots *

Stache’s Review:

Despite it’s flaws, this movie was still a breakthrough at the time. Low-budget horror flick that cashes in huge? That’s just a standard now, but back then it wasn’t. Especially breaking traditional horror flick cliches. This was raw, both from necessity (budget), and purposefully (adding realism to a genre that was getting cartoon-y).

Reviewing it now doesn’t allow for those attributes to be fresh. What Blair Witch did, has since been repeated over and over. But, back in 1999, this was fresh. And that’s why, again despite it’s flaws, it remains an important part of American cinema.

So that justifies why this film may not seem to hold up to today’s standards. But I can’t justify the mediocre acting. It was pretty painful to watch again.

I do appreciate the techniques and tricks the filmmakers used to get the reactions they wanted. Do yourself a favor and check out the trivia on IMDB. Stiletto was reading through as we were watching and it added another dimension to the film. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0185937/trivia

So yeah…. this one doesn’t age well. But I’ll give it a little bump for being a trailblazer.

Stache’s Take: Bad 90’s back-woods stache **

Average Guy/Girl Rating: *1/2

Being John Malkovich

Cohabitation Collection – Being John Malkovich

Details: Stiletto owned. Both had seen.

We’re back on the wagon after a brief hiatus. And we’re doing something a little different with this review.

Briefly, this movie revolves around a small group of seriously flawed characters (John Cusack, Cameron Diaz and Catherine Keener) that discover a portal into the mind of John Malkovich’s head. Eventually they learn to control him and it gives each of them the power to pursue directions their own lives could not. It’s beautifully dark and demented.

So we watched this movie with a couple friends, and during the course of the movie we found ourselves discussing celebrities we would want to find a portal to. So instead of the normal review, this is each of our explanations of our picks. Including guest bloggers El Hefe and Snowflake!!

Stache’s Take:

Initially I was thinking Tom Brady. All American. Sports hero. Smokin’ hot model wife. Super rich. Not bad right? But then I thought about having to take hits from 250 lb defensive lineman. That’s gotta take it’s toll.

Then I was thinking David Beckham. Incredibly famous and loaded. Superstar athlete. Smokin’ hot wife. But would I want to be hounded by that much media attention? I think I’ll pass.

Brad Pitt? Crazy wife and 13 kids? I’m not even going that route.

So I’m going with Daniel Craig. He’s on a string of great movies. He’s maintained a fairly low profile. Plus he’s James F’ing Bonds! That will never not be cool. Plus if I’m going to be someone else, I at least want an accent.

Stache’s Rating: **** Ditka Stache.

Stiletto’s Take:

I would definitely takeover Britney Spear’s portal… not Britney now, but Britney circa 2000-2003.  She was in the height of her career, rolling in an early success, pushing the envelope, redefining pop music, kicking ass on the dance floor, and sought after by every man/woman/media.  If I was in Britney 2000-2003’s portal, I would live the high life! I’d go to insane parties, stare at my incredible body in the mirror for hours, soak up the public limelight, date every guy in Hollywood, travel around the world 3x, buy a ton of houses and property in my friend Stiletto’s name, and jump portal just shy of marrying a backup dancer!  Britney 2000-2003’s portal empties out in Las Vegas, by the way… very convenient.  If you’re thinking that Britney 2000-2003’s Portal wouldn’t be awesome, you’re just lying.

Stiletto’s Rating: 4-inch Stiletto’s ****

El Jefe’s Take:

Who would I be? This is both the hardest and easiest question to answer. It’s easy because there are so many people you could choose with almost no effort at all. George Clooney comes to mind. Or David Beckham. Maybe Jon Hamm. In fact, Beckham was my first instinct. And while that would indeed be awesome, I feel the need to work harder than that. So I’ve been wracking my brain trying to figure out who I would be that would make me appear thoughtful and at the same time, cast me as one of the most amazingly creative and hilarious guest bloggers for Stache and Stiletto since well, anyone. And that’s why I’ve chosen Russell Brand. Think about it. He’s English, something I’ve always wanted to be; he’s funny, something I’ve also always wanted to be. Plus, he’s a recovering sex addict, who finds himself suddenly single and filthy rich, in London of all places. Count me in!

El Jefe’s Rating: Meximelt, hold the pico ****

Snowflake’s Take:

Easy question.  I would like to be someone who is excellent at something I like doing.  Snowboarding, I like doing that, so Tara Dakides would be fun; silver medal in slopestyle, gold medal in big air and I have always wondered what ‘big air’ would be like since my air is very small. Plus she got to date Dave Grohl for a bit which wouldn’t be bad.  Jools Holland or Jeff Goldblum would be fun, both are great pianists and I wonder how fun it would be to play anything at a piano, without a music sheet, whenever I feel like it.  Going to a piano bar would be a lot more fun.  And I reckon being Sofia Vergara for a bit would be a blast, but thats pretty shallow of me.

Snowflake’s Rating: Green Run – *

Average Guy/Girl Rating: 3.5***

Basketball Diaries

 

Cohabitation Collection – Basketball Diaries

Details: Stiletto owned. Both had seen.

Stiletto’s Review:

I love this movie. Have seen it too many times, can recite the entire thing. Rebellious kids, drugs, hitting rock bottom… right up my intrigue alley.  A street kid from NYC in a private Catholic school gets hooked on heroin, gets sober, and becomes an author.

Leonardo DiCaprio is amazing, Marky Mark is buff and hot. The scene with the coach in the bathrooms are ridiculously creepy. The soundtrack is awesome.  It’s dark with some comedic relief in the anecdotes. (Insider hint: The real author, Jim Carroll is the heroin addict in the basement who explains the smell of primo dope).

I’m a sucker for movies based on real stories. Love the all-star cast. Another fun fact, Winky and Blinky are the Sweet Valley Twins. Icing on the crazy heroin cake!

Stiletto’s Rating: ***** Juliette Lewis crack whore heels

Stache’s Review:

I hadn’t seen this in a while. Still great.

This flick is notable for a few reasons. It’s the movie that really put Leonardo DiCaprio on the map as a legit actor that could carry a movie. What’s Eating Gilbert Grape is great, but this is the movie he really leads in. And this was also the movie that shifted Marky Mark from 90’s R&B/Hip Hop/Underwear-Modeling hilarity to acting.

One thing did stand out to me though. The Leo voice-over that drove the movie. It’s a bit dated technique and I can’t remember anything that was said that was absolutely needed to drive the story. I understand Jim Carroll was a writer and this was expressing his craft, but take that out, and let me fill it in. Would’ve been more intriguing to me.

When it comes to drug-addict related movies I’d still put Trainspotting and Requiem for a Dream above this. But since it was before them I’ll give it props for pushing the genre ahead. If you can call “Drug Addicts” a genre.

Stache’s Rating: Ditka Stache ****

Average Guy/Girl Rating: ****1/2

About Schmidt

Cohabitation Collection: About Schmidt

Details: Stiletto owned but never seen, Stache had seen.

Stache’s Take:

So a guy retires. And he starts looking closely at what he’s accomplished outside of work. He realizes it’s not much. He doesn’t like his wife, he keeps checking in on the new guy that took over his job and he’s just generally a miserable person.

No, I’m not talking about Brett Favre. Although it could’ve been. Jack Nicholson’s character Warren Schmidt doesn’t start texting pics of his penis to massage therapists, but the rest of the story is similar.

Finally Warren realizes he’s being an asshole and decides to be happy for his family instead of being a self-centered a-hole like Brett Favre. And he doesn’t even un-retire thank god. Although he does get to see Kathy Bates boobs (as does us, the audience, for better or worse).

This movie holds up pretty well. I still found it funny and charming. Jack Nicholson looks old as hell, but that’s ok cause he is.

Bonus points for Dermot Mulroney’s sweet mullet and handlebar stache.

Rating: Ditka Stache ****

Stiletto’s Take:

I owned this movie somehow, but had never watched it. I really enjoyed this. Slow paced, but interesting and relatable story sprinkled with humor. Plus you can basically never go wrong with Jack Nicholson.

Jack plays a man going into retirement with more than a few challenges.  As I’m currenly having a mini-midlife crisis of my own, I found this very reassuring that the crisis doesn’t end at 30 and that I still have many surprise challenges to come into…. I could get on board with sending overly personal letters to a Sally Struthers African kid.

Plus I giggled that Jack’s wife makes him sit down to pee so he doesn’t make a mess. Hmmmm…

Rating: 4-Inch Stiletto ****

Average Stache/Stiletto Rating: ****

Stache & Stiletto – The Beginning

Welcome to Stache & Stiletto. Movie reviews for him and her.

One movie, two perspectives.

He has movies. She has movies. Put them together and that’s when the debate begins.

Here’s the story:

Stache lived in Missouri. Stiletto lived in Nevada.

For three years love blossomed, a decision was made, and Stache moved in with Stiletto.

All of a sudden we had a new problem. What do we do with all these f*$#ing movies??? We haven’t even watched some of them?

Well, an idea sparked. First step, alphabetize. Second step, watch. Third step, write a review.

What will happen? Will she poke her eyes out when she has to watch all the Lord of the Rings movies? Will he slit his wrists watching Stella? Will they still be together by the end of it all?

Follow along as we work our way through our collection. A Beautiful Mind to Zoolander.

We’ll throw in the occasional theater or Netflix review for good measure.

Kisses – Stache & Stiletto